Development, behavior, attachment, and grief - not necessarily in that order.

Since we are leaving in 2 days (!!!!), I suppose I ought to write something informative so people will better understand what we're going through when we get home. I'll try to make this somewhat coherent, although my mind is kind of a jumble these days, so we'll see. I also probably should've made this into more than one post, but I don't have time for that, so please, if you're going to be spending time with us and our kid in person, read this.

So... grief. That word in the subject line may have stood out to those of you who haven't read much about adoption or attachment. I know it stood out to me in our home study parenting class things, because it was something I had never thought of. Adoption is joyous and wonderful, but there is also so much sadness and loss involved. In my son's 2 1/2 years, he has faced more sadness than I have in my 27 years. There is a lot for him to grieve, both now and later. Perhaps all of his life he will grieve the loss of his birth family and growing up in his birth country and culture in Ethiopia, and the time he has had to spend family-less in an orphanage. As he ages, this grief will manifest itself in different ways.

Grieving is not about being ungrateful or unhappy. He may be so super happy and completely glad that he's a part of our family, and truly thankful for it, but that doesn't mean he won't grieve. One is not related to the other. So if, for some reason, you are with us overnight and he wakes up screaming and crying, know that he has some darn good reasons to do so. Other families with recently-adopted toddlers and older kids have mentioned how their kids will often stand by their bedroom doors after they are supposed to be in bed, just to watch and listen for their new family, to make sure they're still there. Others have said their kids are scared to fall asleep because they think that if they do, their new family might not be there anymore when they wake up. How sad is that?

And we may have some grief too. Thankfully, since adoption is our first choice, we don't have the grief of not being able to get pregnant, like so many couples want but can't have. But we may grieve not every knowing what our son looked like as a baby, or missing his first smile or his first steps. Those sound like small things, but when you love your child, you miss those things.

As for behavior, well, most people know a bit about two-year-olds. They know they are stubborn and want to be independent while still being babyish. Imagine having all these big feelings and thoughts but lacking the words and motor skills to adequately express them. This is often what causes "the terrible twos". Now, throw in a new country, new house, and new family. That might lead to some even bigger feelings and even more frustration about not being to express those feelings. A lot of times recently-adopted (and by recently I mean within a year or two) kids seem worse-behaved than other kids (though I happen to think that's not true, as I've known some pretty badly-behaved kids who are still with their birth families), and if so, it's mostly because their already-frustrating world has been turned upside-down. They're adjusting to an entirely new life in addition to having normal kid feelings/problems. It's scary and it's difficult. Add to that that a lot of orphanages and cultures do not discipline kids until a certain age, and you get "behavior problems". (In Ethiopia they do not discipline kids until they're about 3 years old. Till then, the kid gets what they want so they'll stop screaming, crying, whatever. They are never told "no". So in addition to all the above, E will be dealing with not getting his way all the time.) Toddlers love them some tantrums anyway, but if you add in the grief and new discipline and all-new environment, you might get some wicked tantrums.

Related to behavior is development. Some development stuff has already been addressed, but there's a bit more to share. E has already been doing toddler-y stuff, like they have started potty-training him. But many times adopted kids regress for a while. Toddlers in orphanages haven't really gotten to be babies and be coddled and taken care of for a while (if ever), so often when they get home they might go back to baby talk and want to be held all the time and even bottle-fed for a while. This is normal and OK, although it may seem odd to the outside world.

Attachment is kind of hard to fathom for some people. It seems like, you love the kid, the kid loves you, and ta-da! You're attached! But it's not that simple. I'm not going to go into detail here about what attachment is, but I am going to tell you how it's going to play out for us: we're not going to let you hold our son for a while. Maybe a long while. It's not you, it's us. E needs to learn that WE are his parents. WE are the ones who will always love him and be with him. WE are the ones who give him his hugs and kisses and cuddles. WE are the ones who will kiss his owies and celebrate his achievements.

This doesn't mean you can't say hi to us/him at church when we finally make it there. This doesn't mean you can't come over to drop off a meal or something. This doesn't mean you can't call us up to ask if we want to do something. Just don't be offended if we say no. Trust me - we will WANT to do it, but it just might not be the best thing for us at that time. But please don't stop asking!

I don't think I'm saying any of this well, so I'm going to copy and paste some things that Jamey wrote for Chrissy that say what I'm trying to say about all this stuff far more concisely. Pretend that every time it says "Chrissy" it actually says "Bethany", and of course we're adopting only one child instead of three, but the principles apply.

Respect whatever boundaries Chrissy sets for the little ones. I know they are cute, I know that you've been waiting to hug and squeeze them, I know that you love them. But hold back when you're asked to even/especially if the kids are trying to get your attention. These kids have to relearn what it is to be in a family and have parents. They've been in an orphanage with different caregivers for a long time. They expect that each new adult they meet will be the one to take care of them. They have to learn that Chrissy and Paul are IT. They have the rest of their lives here, but they need these first months to learn to trust their parents. Don't push for them to leave the kids with a sitter, or take them to Sunday School, or go to Zany Fun Amusement Park with Overwhelming Sights and Crowds. Let Paul and Chrissy introduce their children to the world slowly as they see fit.

Be a safe person to talk to. Adoption is tough tough stuff. If you've been following their journey you know that already. But, contrary to what it seems like, the hard work is not over. It's really just beginning. Maybe (we're all hoping) that they have a great transition and easy attachment, but even so emotionally this is a difficult road to walk. Be someone who they can talk to and say anything to without judgment, without telling them what to do, without anything more than a hug and a promise to pray for them.

Don't Pressure Them. Let them set the rules for their family, let them emerge slowly back into their regular life, don't think that you know best for any of them. Don't hassle them if they forget your birthday or if they can't make it to a party that you invited them to. Don't ask them to join a committee or to be responsible for anything beyond their children. Don't force them to put a happy face on situations, or ask them questions about their children's history. Let them share what they want when they want to.

Keep Praying. Really, they have a lot of things that they're worrying about and praying about as they live their life from here on out. Ask them what you can pray for, write it down, and pray.

Remember to cut them some slack, send them some prayers, keep your stupid comments to yourself, and just be a friend. They're going to have a lot of reality setting in as the parents... trying to meet everyone's needs, and dealing with the health issues and behaviors that come from living in an orphanage. The amount of adjustment that every single person in their family will have to do is mind-boggling.

Well, I hope some of you made it through all that. I apologize for its length; most of you know I'm quite long-winded when it comes to writing things. And this is, of course, a topic close to my heart. If you have any questions, do ask. The easy part is over - the hard part begins Friday when we meet our son for the first time. Thank you for coming along for this ride. We love you!